As I got older, I too began celebrating Christmas in secret. Our beautiful tree, laden with ornaments I inherited when Mom passed away, would sparkle only from noon to three. I wrapped gifts in our windowless bathroom. If I caught myself humming a Christmas carol in public, I would stop and glance around, looking for the Christmas Cops™.
All that changed with the election of Donald Trump. During his campaign, Mr. Trump said many times we would be able to say "Merry Christmas" again. We all knew what he meant: we can celebrate Christmas again!
No more fear of being thrown in a FEMA camp for wearing a Christmas tree brooch. No more being dragged from our homes in the dead of night because we forgot to unplug the lights on the roof. No more being slapped by retail clerks when we reply to their "Happy Holidays!" with "Merry Christmas!". No more shopping only with cash wearing a fake mustache and a baseball hat.
We can come out of hiding! We can sing "Jingle Bells" at the tops of our lungs, we can wear Christmas pins and earrings and sweaters and socks! We can drink peppermint cocoa, and eat decorated sugar cookies. We can write letters to Santa, and actually mail them! We can finally celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ!
Thanks to President Donald Trump, Christmas is illegal no more. Malls will be festooned with garlands and lights, instead of the drab, Christmas-less decorations of yesteryear. Christmas music will resound everywhere, instead of the usual secular pop music like Britney Spears and M.C. Hammer. I can keep the Christmas tree lit after the sun goes down! No more wrapping gifts in the bathroom-I can use the kitchen table! And keep the curtains open!
It's a very exciting time to be alive in America. The long, dark nights of celebrating Christmas in secret are over, thanks to Donald Trump. We do not need to be afraid to belt out "White Christmas," or "Baby It's Cold Outside," or "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Especially "White Christmas." Rumor has it, that's President Trump's favorite Christmas carol!
So, from our family to yours, Merry Christmas! And if you say anything other than that back, I'll shoot you.