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Writer, editor, activist. Featured at HuffPo and MSNBC.com.  Creator of the original We Are Woman. Married mom. 

Sunday, September 30, 2018

I Am Not Brett Kavanaugh by Guest Writer Bart O'Kavanaugh



Up until last week, my life was fine. I was kind of happily married to my wife, Ashley Assy Ashy Amy?, my two daughters sons, Liaz and Market, were laughing and playing, and I was all set to be the next Supreme Court justice top salesman at Lanny's World of Cars. Then it all blew up because of a book written by my best friend in hig a guy I've never met, Mark Judge.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I was number one in my class at Georgetown Prep St. Ignatius's School for Wayward Boys. I worked my tail off to get into Yale ITT Tech. I love coaching girls' basketball Senior Soccer Saturday at the YMCA. Most importantly, I have never never been accused convicted of any kind of sexual assault.

And, yeah, I like beer. I like beer a lot. But in my defense, beer has wheat in it, so it's actually like bread. Whole wheat bread. Which is good for you. So I drink beer for breakfast, with a spoonful of marmalade. I drink beer for lunch, with a few pieces of honey-roasted turkey, lettuce, Kraft American cheese, and mayo. Dinner is usually whatever Ashley Ashton Ainsley Annie? whips up with a 12-pack of Bud Light Clamato, because I need my vitamins.

When I heard my name being thrown around during that hearing, I was shocked. I mean, that's my yearbook not my yearbook, and Mark was my best friend in is someone I've never met, and boofing is a totally awesome way to get black-out drunk is disgusting and I had to look it up online to find out what it even was.

None of this is my fault. As a white, rich, privileged Christian man normal, middle class, unassuming day drinker typical American man, I've been dragged into some sort of cesspool of innuendo, false allegations, and defamatory statements. My character has been attacked. Hell, I feel raped, and I'm not even in prison yet

Here's a neat fact: I'm drunk right now. Hell, yes I am, wouldn't you be? The Jesuits have abandoned me, the ABA, Yale Law, shit even my own WIFE no, I mean if your name was mudslinged slingedmud sling bladed wow I gotta piss.

Love,

Brett Kavanaugh Bart O'Kavanaugh

PS: That Brett is a good-lookin' guy, just saying.


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