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Monday, October 10, 2016

Alex Jones believes Hillary Clinton is a demon

Image of Alex Jones from Esquire

Alex Jones went on a verifiable rant during his cable show earlier today about Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and President Obama. During the rant, Jones said Hillary Clinton and President Obama are both demons. Actual demons.

Let me ask you a question. If you were walking down the sidewalk, and happened upon a man standing in a doorway, or sitting on a stoop, who said what Alex Jones said, what would your reaction be? Would you say "Hey! We need to get you a show, and make sure you rake in the cash, buddy!" Or would you be more likely to wonder if the man needed help, if he was okay, if there was a way to get him to a doctor?

What if the man said juice boxes make our kids gay? Or talked about "secret documents" only he had ever seen? Or screamed at the tops of his lungs that we needed another revolution, and the government had secret camps, and a weather machine? Would you take what he said to heart? Would Donald Trump call that man a friend, and an ally?

It has long been a theory of mine that Alex Jones is schizophrenic. He has auditory and visual hallucinations, he believes in things that are not real, he claims important people within the government tell him secrets. When his delusions are challenged, Jones often becomes enraged, or he will blame a global conspiracy. He believes government officials are trying to kill him.

Which is why it is so difficult to write about Alex Jones. On the one hand, he is obviously very troubled, and seems to meet much of the criteria for schizophrenia. On the other hand, Jones is a public figure, with tens of thousands of people who believe whatever comes out of his mouth. Donald Trump considers Jones a friend, and someone he wants to impress.

Do we try and feel empathy for Jones, given that he obviously has some sort of mental health issue, or do we mock his bizarre conspiracy theories? Are there people who really believe what he says, who believe that Hillary Clinton and President Obama are actual demons? Here are some comments from his Facebook page:

Debbie Armento NOT a good sign! IN the bible .....Beelzebub or Beel-Zebub (/biːˈɛlzᵻbʌb/ bee-EL-zə-bub or /ˈbiːlzᵻbʌb/ BEEL-zə-bub; Hebrew: בַּעַל זְבוּב‎‎, Baʿal Zəvûv; Arabic: بعل الذباب‎‎, Ba‘al adh-dhabâb) is a name of a demon. In Christian and Biblical sources, Beelzebub is another name for the devil.[1] In Christian demonology, he is one of the seven princes of Hell according to Catholic views on Hell. The Dictionnaire Infernal describes Beelzebub as a demonic fly who is also known as the "Lord of the Flies". The god of the Philistine city of Ekron, a Canaanite god.[2]

Claire Burkus Beelzebub......satan ....lord of the flies.....also landed on Obama.....New York honors Arch from temple of Baal....Baal..worship was child sacrifice, temple prostitutes, priests having relations with evil.....exActly who this family worships today..... such a sign from God on national TV!!!!!!!!
There are many more, hundreds and hundreds, most of which agree with Alex Jones and his conspiracy theories.

Is Alex Jones a schizophrenic, or has he simply discovered a way to make money and get attention? Should we view him with empathy, or with disdain? If you watch the video, it certainly appears Alex Jones believes Hillary Clinton and President Obama are demons. He references anonymous sources in government who have told him both Clinton and Obama smell like sulfur. At least some of Jones' fans agree with him, and are now convinced the President of the United States and the Democratic candidate are actual demons from hell.

Honestly, I prefer my demons with a side of Sam and Dean.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Why Donald Trump Isn't Prepping for Sunday's Debate

Donald Trump is prepping for Sunday's presidential debate the same way he prepped for the first one: not at all. He held a "town hall" in New Hampshire last night, but his campaign swears that town hall had absolutely nothing to do with the town hall-style debate on Sunday. From reports on the "whatever it was" Thursday, Donald's campaign told the truth: it had nothing to do with Sunday. Or being president. Or even running for president, which is the thought that bombarded my brain about fifteen minutes ago.

There are two possible explanations for Donald Trump's cavalier attitude about the presidential debates. In order to understand the first one, let's take a look at one of Donald's most famous statements during the election:

He's right. Donald Trump could shoot someone, and his fans/minions/pet white supremacists/MRAs would still love and support him.

Which means Donald can do anything on Sunday-show up nude, set a kitten on fire, call Hillary Clinton names, flip off the cameras, anything-and his supporters will declare him the winner. He doesn't have to work for this; his supporters adore him no matter what.

The second explanation is a bit more, well, disturbing, at least for the country. What if this is a "Here, hold my beer a sec" moment, just dragged out over an entire election? Like some idiot at a barbecue who says "Here, hold my beer a sec, I want to ride my bike off a roof."

This might be the longest episode of "Jackass" ever. The problem is it's not the actual show. Steve-O stapled his scrotum to his own thigh, but the rest of the country didn't feel the pain. Johnny Knoxville got hit in the nuts with a sledgehammer, but he didn't make the rest of us do it. In Donald Trump's case, he may be having a "stick a sparkler in between my butt cheeks and light it, dude" moment, but it's everyone in the U.S. who will catch on fire.

My prediction for Sunday's debate: Donald Trump will show up with nothing but insults, rhetoric, and bullshit, while Hillary Clinton will offer details, policies, and ideas to help our country. Conservative media will declare Donald the winner, normal people will declare Hillary the winner.

And on Monday, the people who watched Donald Trump metaphorically staple his scrotum to your  thigh will ask others to speak a bit more softly, drink quite a lot of coffee, and rock back and forth in their office chairs, silently weeping.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Introducing The Trump Translator!

Do you try to listen to Donald Trump? Are you often confused by the words coming out of his mouth? Have you noticed your eye twitching uncontrollably while attempting to decipher Donald's speeches? Have you begun muttering in your sleep, or suddenly running outside to yell at the sky?

Well, we here at MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) Institute have created The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) just for you. Combining ancient Mayan technology, copious amounts of alcohol, cockroach DNA, and musings from my cat, The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) allows the average viewer or listener to painlessly* decipher anything Donald Trump says.

Here are some real Americans talking about how The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) recently helped them:

I watched the first part of the debate without The Trump Translator™ (patent pending), and I thought Donald was winning. When I turned it on, I was shocked to learn that the guy I had been supporting was a sexist creep and a bully, who knows nothing about the world. I thank God for The Trump Translator™ (patent pending); without it, I might have actually voted for this numbskull! Amy F.

Thank you, MAD Institute, for The Trump Translator™ (patent pending)! My wife has been driving me batshit insane with her support of Donald Trump. I've tried to explain that he hates women, and wants to date his own daughter, but all she can say is 'He's gonna save us from the Mexicans.' Well, I hooked her up to the translator, and within 15 minutes, she was staring at the teevee, shocked that Donald was up at 3 AM, attacking some poor girl on Twitter. MAD Institute, you saved my marriage! Hank B.

The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) works by removing the DWN (Dog Whistle Neurons) from your brain, thus allowing you to hear actual words. For example, when Donald Trump says "inner city," The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) automatically translates that into "black people are scary." When Donald says "I love the bible," TTT™ (patent pending) will immediately reveal what he really means: "I've never read it but I need right wing Christians to vote for me."

And now that Donald has decided to go after Hillary Clinton by focusing on her husband's infidelity, The Trump Translator™ (I don't want to type patent pending anymore) will be working overtime. If Donald mentions Gennifer Flowers, TTT™ will helpfully remind you that Donald cheated on Ivana with Marla Maples. If Donald brings up Monica Lewinsky, TTT™ will gently point out Donald Trump pleaded the 5th over 90 times to avoid answering questions about his own adultery.

MAD Institute is extraordinarily proud of The Trump Translator™, and cannot wait to make it available to the public. Unfortunately, we've run into a bit of a problem. In order for TTT™ to work, it needs to be hooked up to a human brain. And to do that, scientists here at MAD (aka my husband) need to drill a hole in your head, remove part of your frontal lobe, insert a highly classified and very complicated metal plate with stuff welded to it, and then hook the TTT™ to that plate. So far, we've only found 3 people willing to do that.

We here at MAD Institute are hopeful that we can streamline** the interface process, and submit The Trump Translator™ to the FDA, or the FCC, or the DEA, or the FBI, or one of those other government agencies with letters within the year. You're probably thinking "But if Donald loses, we won't need The Trump Translator™!" Oh you dear, sweet, naïve, creature. He's not going down without a fight, and he's never, ever going away. Not after this. Not after bringing together the alt-right, insulting the Pope, women, the LGBT community, African Americans, Muslims, Mexicans, not after starting then "ending" the birther movement, and not after getting so close to nuking Europe.

We will be stuck with Donald Trump after November 8, so we might as well be able to understand the things he says. And with The Trump Translator™, you can! Watch this site for more information, including how conservatives can participate in our next round of testing.

*Painless is not actually...okay, it...look, this is Donald Trump. Just watching him on television without hearing him is offensive. We'll try-we can give you laughing gas, or a pitcher of martinis, or Xanax, but we can't really guarantee it will be painless.

**Our next step is to coerce an actual conservative into a van, using promises of candy and Sean Hannity's phone number, then use The Trump Translator™ to remove their DWN. We just need more duct tape.


Thursday, September 29, 2016

Someone needs to remind Donald Trump America is Employee-Owned

If you watched the debate Monday evening, you probably noticed Donald Trump talked a lot about his alleged business acumen. How rich he is, how successful he is, how he owns buildings in cities. Donald spent a great deal of time on Monday talking about himself. When he spoke about America, it was with disdain, negativity, and an almost dystopian view of our country. Donald Trump made it very clear he wants to run the United States like one of his businesses.

There's one problem with Donald's vision: America is employee-owned. We the people are ultimately in charge. We vote, we canvass, we run for office, we exercise our First Amendment right to protest, and it's our voice that matters. We are not a casino, or a hotel, or a condominium. We are African American, Hispanic, LGBT, Atheist, Buddhist, Christian, Wiccan, Jewish, poor, middle class, renters, homeowners, Caucasian, immigrants, Native Americans, and this is our country.

It's our vote, our support, that elects a president, not a board of directors. America is owned by we the people, something Donald does not seem to understand. Or perhaps he just doesn't care. This is the man, after all, who said he could shoot someone and not lose any support. His supporters back up that statement every single time they defend yet another of Donald's horrible, awful, sociopathic comments. They honestly don't care if he is a sexist, hateful bigot; they just care that he hates the same people they hate.

We are not a business to be managed. We are a country of individuals, struggling to pay our bills, and put ourselves or our children through college. We go to work when we're sick, we go to work when we're exhausted. We want a president who cares about us, who wants to help us make better lives, who wants us to have more opportunity, who supports all of us. Donald Trump would not be that president.

Donald wants to ban all Muslims from our country. He refuses to say he would never use nuclear weapons against our allies in Europe. He admires Vladimir Putin, a man who jails journalists and dissidents. Donald tells a lie every 3 minutes. He lies about lies he's told before, like China creating climate change. Donald lied on Twitter when he wrote climate change was invented by the Chinese, then during the debate, he lied by saying he had never told the original lie. Donald Trump lied during the debate when he argued he'd never called pregnancy an "inconvenience" for business, because he did say that:

...a wonderful thing for the woman, it's a wonderful thing for the husband, it's certainly an inconvenience for a business. And whether people want to say that or not, the fact is it is an inconvenience for a person that is running a business.

Many of us, the employees who own America, see through the con Donald Trump is running. We've pulled back the curtain, and we see him for what he really is: a sociopathic megalomaniac, who thinks he is the best at everything, who sees women as objects, who sees minorities as lesser people, and who will, if elected, destroy this great nation. The United States is not an island, we cannot survive a president obsessed with isolationism and nationalism. We are part of a global community, and we need a president who understands that.

America is employee-owned, and the only way we are going to keep Donald Trump out of the Oval Office is if all of us come together on November 8 and stand up for ourselves. Stand up for your neighbors, your children, and strangers who will be harmed if Donald Trump is elected. It's up to us to make certain a racist, xenophobic, egotistical bully does not become the 45th President of the United States.

If you are not registered to vote, please visit You can register online in just a few minutes.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

When A Stranger Tells You To Kill Yourself

Image from the Los Angeles Times

A few days ago, a man named Marshall Beck told me to kill myself. He told me to "draw a bath" and "grab a razor." The reason Marshall Beck wants me to end my own life is because I wrote a snarky comment underneath a ridiculous article written by a guy who will never date a feminist.

I took a screenshot of Marshall's comment, because I wanted to preserve it. I wanted to remind myself there really are people out there who are awful, horrible, cruel individuals. This screenshot:

He also called me a mentally ill moron.

If you read my stuff on a regular basis, you know my history. You know I have survived two suicide attempts, rape, domestic violence, and a childhood that was sort of awful. You know about my mom. And the priest. You know about CTC. You know that I am a borderline, and have been diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety, and PTSD. You know I used to self harm by cutting my arms, legs, and face, with a razor blade.

For all those reasons, Marshall Beck's comment stopped me in my tracks. A stranger, a man who doesn't know me at all, hates me so much he wants me to end my own life. You can read more about Marshall in my article about him here; I even included a link to his Facebook page, so you can see for yourself what a truly deplorable person he is.

I'm never going to end my own life, or even try. I've fought bigger monsters than Marshall Beck, and I always win. But I'll be honest-that comment triggered a ton of awfulness inside my head, and my heart. And ten years ago, I would have sat in this dark place for awhile, then perhaps, self harmed.

Now? Now I say look at what I have done, look at who I am, look at the life I have made for myself and my family. My interview with Bobby Seale is part of an archive collection at U.C. Berkeley. I talked to Anne Rice on the phone. I interviewed John Fugelsang. I made the number one spot on Reddit's political page. My husband and I will celebrate our thirteenth wedding anniversary this December.

The Marshall Becks of the world are insecure, ignorant, hatemongers, who think they have power online. Yes, I brought attention to him, because I am a huge fan of dragging hate out into the light. Plus I cannot stand bullies. But there will always be Marshall Becks. The key to dealing with them is remembering they're pathetic cowards, hiding behind a keyboard.

Marshall Beck has a website where he lists, among other things, his affiliations, including Brain Damage Films. Brain Damage Films specializes in selling B-list horror movies. On the off chance they might be interested in knowing Marshall Beck told me to kill myself, I sent them an email. This was the response I received from the president of Brain Damage Films:

I have received your message (below). Mr. Beck is the lead singer for a band in which Brain Damage Films subsidiary Brain Damage Musik released a CD for his band Reign of Vengeance 4 years ago.  Other than quarterly reporting for sales and licensing made of his music, he has no association with our company.  I have been in touch with Mr. Beck regarding the matter and after a tiny bit off fact gathering; it appears you are known for voicing your opinion publicly on many topical issues we are all dealing with in this world.  My thoughts on the matter:  if you want to make your ideology and beliefs public and engage in “snarky responses” than you need to accept others opinions in a public forum that you started, whether you agree or disagree.  I was also taught at a very young age, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will NEVER hurt me!”.

More than anything, I simply felt it necessary to give you a response, rather than ignore you.

Darrin G. Ramage
President – Brain Damage Films

In Mr. Ramage's world, when a woman dares to share an opinion online, she deserves to be told to kill herself.

This is why, when confronted with an internet bully, I am never ready to play nice.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Trump's Basket of Deplorables

It's no secret that Donald Trump's entire presidential campaign has been fueled by deplorableness. Hate, racism, xenophobia, misogyny, and violence, are all key parts of Trump's message to America. And Americans love it. Not all Americans, just the people who believe that immigrants are stealing our jobs, all Muslims are terrorists, tax cuts for the rich somehow help the middle class, Black Lives Matter is a terrorist organization, and beating the shit out of people who disagree with you is perfectly acceptable behavior.

Hillary Clinton drew attention to this deplorableness during a speech she gave at a recent fundraiser. She highlighted the hate that swirls around the Trump campaign, and said that half his supporters belong in a "basket of deplorables." Naturally, the deplorable people went ballistic. People who support discrimination against the LGBT community. People who believe African Americans are all thugs or welfare queens. People who have called for the death of Hillary Clinton. People who compare President Obama, and our First Lady, to apes.

But by all means, Alex Jones and David Duke, and Ted Nugent and Ann Coulter, and Sarah Palin and Andrew Englin (founder of The Daily Stormer), please tell us why you don't belong in the basket of deplorables. Alex Jones thinks every mass shooting, including the Sandy Hook massacre, is a false flag, and has mused that Michelle Obama is a man. David Duke is a Holocaust denier and a 100% white supremacist. Ted Nugent told Hillary Clinton to suck on a machine gun. Ann Coulter once wrote she wished someone would fly a plane into the New York Times building. Andrew Englin is a white nationalist. Sarah Palin is...well...Sarah Palin.

What the media isn't showing you is the second part of Hillary's speech. The part where she draws attention to the other half of Trump supporters, who do not belong in a basket of deplorables. The people who have lost their jobs, their homes, their savings, who feel as if the government doesn't care. Those people crave a message of support, a message that speaks to their pain, and honestly, if the message makes sense, they don't care about the messenger. Yes, Trump is a bully, and a smarmy snake oil salesman, and most of us wouldn't invite him into our homes, but he says things that appeal to angry, disenfranchised Americans.

Those folks don't care that Trump pals around with neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and conspiracy theorists, they don't care that he's publicly stated he would date his own daughter. They don't care that Trump wants to ban and deport millions of people because of their religion. They don't care Trump said John McCain wasn't a hero. All they care about is Trump promises to create jobs.

They ignore the fact that Trump has no idea how to do this, how to create all these jobs. Trump refuses to give details about any of his ideas, not jobs, not Isis, not Russia, nothing. It's more of the same bullying rhetoric, blaming brown-skinned people for all our problems. They need a savior, a president who gives them a scapegoat on whom they can blame all their misery.

Donald Trump desperately needs his non-deplorable supporters to ignore his racist past, his horribly sexist comments, and he really, really needs them to not look behind the curtain to find his neo-Nazi, white nationalist, supporters and staff.

The other half of Trump supporters have probably never watched InfoWars. They most likely don't care for David Duke, or, or subscribe to white nationalist websites. They just need a candidate who says all the things they want to hear, and gives them someone to blame for their problems. Someone more vulnerable than they are.

It's September 10. Tomorrow is the fifteenth anniversary of 9/11, and one wonders how Donald Trump will treat this solemn day. Will he be respectful, or will he be his usual awful self? Will he lie once again about Muslim Americans celebrating the attacks in New Jersey? Will he bark about banning and deporting all Muslims? Will he, as most conservatives do, use 9/11 for his own political gain? And will his deplorable supporters cheer on his hate and divisiveness, yell racist epithets at Muslims, perhaps desecrate a mosque, or beat up a Muslim business owner?

Donald Trump seems to be successfully running a con on the citizens of this country. A con designed to appeal to the worst of humanity: hate, fear of the other, racism, bullying, sexism, and violence. If he wins, if Donald Trump becomes president, what will become of the United States? Will we have a government based on paranoia and xenophobia? Will Roe v Wade be placed on the "ash heap of history"? Will Mike Pence's dream of government-funded conversion therapy for members of the LGBT community become a reality? Will President Trump deport our Muslim neighbors, spouses, siblings, friends?

President Trump. We live in a country, and in a time, when that could truly happen. Our society is so riddled with hate, we could actually elect a man who counts among his friends white supremacists and neo-Nazis.

What a truly frightening thought.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Dogs versus Cats

It seems to happen at least once a week. A dog saves the life of a baby, or an entire family, by selflessly putting itself between danger and a human. Dog Saves Infant From Fire, Dog Saves Family From Fire, Dog Rescues Toddler. Dogs are, from all appearances, better people than most people. Which explains why dogs are so popular as pets.

Cats, on the other hand, will most likely not risk their lives to save a person. Oh, there are some stories about a cat protecting a child, or Meatball, the French cat who saved eleven people in a fire. For the most part, though, cats are jerks.

We have a cat. Her name is Princess, and she has appropriated all the furniture in our living room. Princess is almost eighteen years old. She is a rescue kitty, fat and happy, shedding all over the damn place, chewing on carpet, puking on carpet, floors, and yes, her furniture, and I love her desperately. I do not, however, think Princess would save my life during a fire.

I would save hers, no question. If we had a fire in our townhouse, I would grab her first. Then maybe a scrapbook, my wallet, my phone, and some underwear. Odds are, I would probably try to get some of my mother's art out of the house before my husband dragged me onto the lawn. But I would get the cat first.

And I guarantee that while I was grabbing Princess, she would yell at me, struggle, maybe try to bite or scratch me, because she hates to be held. So as I was saving her life, she would be pissed. Cats are jerks.

When Princess goes to the rainbow bridge, it will break my heart. Despite her quirks, and the cat hair all over the place, and all the times we have stepped in warm, squishy cat vomit, and the fringe missing from a Persian rug I inherited from my mother because Princess ate it, and the cat food she sprays under the dining room table, and how she shoots litter five feet onto the floor, I really love her. I will mourn, I will cry, I will miss her terribly, and then I will get a dog.

A small dog, but not one of those dogs you see being walked from a distance, and think to yourself "Why is that person walking a rat?" Our association has a weight limit on pets, which, sadly, means I cannot have a Newfoundland. Or a pony, but that's a different issue altogether. What I really want is a pug. I love the snarfling noise they make when they're happy, and how their whole butt wags.

Having a dog comes with one major drawback: walks. When it's pouring rain, or twelve below, or snowing so hard you can't see across the parking lot, the dog needs to be walked. When it's ninety degrees, with eighty percent humidity, the dog needs to be walked. If you have the flu, or a migraine, the dog needs to be walked. And it has been made very clear to me that if "we" get a dog, "I" will be responsible for the majority of the dog's care, because my husband doesn't really want a dog.

My husband had a black Lab named Joey many years ago. Joey was a great dog, according to my husband. Joey loved my husband so much, he once brought half a deer carcass home as a present. That image-an adorable black Lab, dragging half a deer carcass across the road, tail wagging as he anticipated how happy my husband would be to receive this wondrous gift. Shockingly, my husband was not as pleased as Joey hoped to have half a rotting corpse deposited in front of his house. But he still remembers Joey with love.

I've never had a dog; we've always been cat people. And maybe, someday, when the opportunity presents itself, I'll get another cat. I just really want a dog. I will run across the street, or walk half a block out my way, to pet and chat with a dog. Dogs like me, because I have a special "talking to animals" voice. It's soft, and low, and gentle. It probably wouldn't work on a wildebeest, or a tiger, or a venomous snake ("Hi! Oh, who's a pretty snake? Now, let's not do that, sweetie, no, we don't have to HOLY SHIT YOU LITTLE BASTARD I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL OH JUST FUCK YOU SNAKE!").

We will have to wait and see if a dog becomes part of our family at some point. Until then, I will care for Princess, and adore her, all the while knowing that she would never, ever save me from a fire. It is more likely that she will, one day, be successful in tripping me as I walk next to her, I will fall and die from a head injury, and she will snack on my corpse.

And then she'll puke on the rug.